Attention Wal-Mart shoppers...

So...during a recent trip to Wal-Mart, I was inspired to write a few thoughts about my...shall we say...irritations with the famous chain's customers. I have a feeling everyone reading this will be able to identify with at least one of the pet peeves I have with the following Wal-Mart shoppers. 

Not-so fashionistas at Wal-Mart

Well...this speaks for itself now doesn't it? I know your local Wal-Mart is not exactly fashion week in NYC, but come on, now...have some sense. Here are some basic tips for appropriate Wal-Mart attire: If your crack shows, just say no. If your thong shows, just say no...and I mean the underwear, not the sandals. Keep pajama pants at home - where they belong. If you want to tell the world to F*%$ themselves, that's fine...but do it at home and not on your t-shirt. It's tacky. Perhaps no one told you so. But...now that I think about it, keep wearing whatever you want to when you go to Wal-Mart. You may make your big debut on  peopleofwalmart.com soon. Bless your heart. And if you are wondering if the people behind you in line are secretly laughing at you...I'm sorry to tell you...but they probably are. Just sayin'...

Cell phone users at Wal-Mart

I don't want to hear what is going on in your personal life via your extremely loud and obnoxious cell phone conversation. Save it for the privacy of your own home. I shouldn't know that you (the stranger next to me) has a sister-in-law whose brother's cousin has kidney stones and that you are picking him up cranberry juice on aisle four for his chronic back pain. Or that tacos are apparently being served at your house tonight for dinner.

Unsupervised teenagers at Wal-Mart

A quick note to all parents with teenagers: you should view Wal-Mart like you view R-rated movies: children under 18 not allowed without parental supervision. And P.S. - Did I miss something? What happened to riding around? Or hanging out at the mall? Or having sleepovers? When did it ever become popular for teens to hang out at Wal-Mart and wreak their havoc? Don't get me wrong...I love teenagers. But they become strange aliens when left unsupervised at Wal-Mart. Really, it's a freak of nature. I swear I saw two teenage girls get into an actual pushing/pulling hair fight at Wal-Mart. I was just trying to buy some shampoo. Geez. You don't need cable to watch soap operas these days. Just drive down to your local Wal-Mart.

Creepers who stand too close at Wal-Mart. 

I saved the best for last. WHY do some people find it necessary to stand so close to you in line at Wal-Mart?! It doesn't magically make the line move faster. This is one sure-fire way to get a response from me. Just last night at Wal-Mart, this gal was standing WAY too close for comfort. I stepped away from my cart for a few seconds to grab a candy bar and when I turned around, you would have thought she was pushing my cart...that's how close she was. And she didn't even move. I had to stand to the side of my cart to push it. Arg! "Seriously, are you kidding me?" I said (under my breath). It's America. We like personal space. I don't want to smell your perfume. I don't want to feel your breath against my neck. The only thing we have in common right now is that we are in the same line at Wal-Mart - we aren't on a first date...and if we were, you would definitely not be getting a second one. Because apparently you are the creeper that stands too close to others at Wal-Mart...and no one wants to date that guy...or girl.